The Party Piece

Okay...

You're going to have to help me with this one.
It's cool.
You can handle it.

I promise.

Imagine you are at a party.
Everyone you know is there.
Everybody.
Even me.
I'm there too.

And people you don't know.
There's tons of them.
The place is packed to the rafters, man.
You couldn't fit a poodle in here.
Not without a bottle of salad oil and a crowbar.

There's folk over by the stereo playing strip twister.
Guys and girls faking each other out.
Who's got the coolest car?
That kind of thing.
And there are men in strange uniforms and hats.
Engaged in the most intense game of Risk that's ever been played.
Anywhere.
Ever.

And next to the television there are men in suits and ties.
They are playing Monopoly while wives and girlfriends with big fake nails and big fake hair and even bigger fake tits are cheering them on.

And me?
Where am I?
I'm in the kitchen.
I'm trying to get a beer out of the icebox.
I'm pouring myself a coffee cup of cheap rum.

It's that kind of party.
One of those all night, get down, rammajammas that's not going to end.
At least not until I'm long gone and far forgotten.
It's a lot like a sitcom but nobody knows but me.
But that's another story and I'd rather not get into it right now.

So...

Anyway..

I grab my booze and slowly move.
Slipping inbetween the mass of gameplayers
Sliding into a comfy chair.
Home, sweet home for me.
And I'm sitting there and I look around.
And I can't see the television because a crowd of bullshitters are blocking my view.

And this chick comes up.
And she's beautiful, man.
Blonde.
Green eyes.
The whole deal, right?
And she says, "You know, life is like a game and you should really get in there and play."

And I answer, "Aw, the rules don't make any sense.
I'm not the competitive type anyway.

And besides, "Night of the Lepus" is on TCM tonight and if I miss it it'll screw up my whole week."

And she smiles and kisses my forehead and says, "That's really cool and everything but I have to go hang out with the bullshitters now because the tall one looks a lot like my dad and he seems like the kind of guy that would punch another guy in the face if he caught him flirting with me and that's the kind of thing that really turns me on."

And she walks away.

So...

I pull out my TV Guide and circle the shows that I plan on seeing next week with a purple felt tip pen.

And I get drunk.

Because life is a game and I really should get in there and play.

But

 I might be missing something really, really good.

And I don't want to put myself through something like that.