About a bazillion years ago the Earth cooled. This was a good thing. If
it hadn't we'd all be jumping up and down a lot and screaming about our
feet more often than we do now. The air would also hurt our lungs and
there wouldn't be any water. Can you imagine living in a world like
that? I just barely can and I have a rather colorful history of drug
usage.
There were these pools of water laying around back then
and, through some electrochemical process that I don't have a lot of
knowledge about these tiny fishy things came to life. Chemistry tends to
vex me on a daily basis. If you take some motor oil and lemonade and
toss in some cotton balls you get Twinkies? How does that work? I mean,
there can only be a finite number of chemicals, right? How the hell do
those research guys come up with new ones? I had a chemistry set once
and if I mixed up a bunch of stuff all I ever ended up with was a tube
of blackish slop. I just don't understand it in the slightest. This may
tend to explain why I write. I may be trying to understand things. Ah,
well...whatever.
Some weeks later dinosaurs stalked both the
surface of the Earth and each other. These were dangerous times for the
more fragile life forms who were mainly walking snacks and sandwiches
for these dinosaurs. The whole world was a giant Burger King and you
didn't have to deal with money.
One day a chunk of what was
basically iridium zipped through space, got caught in the Earth's orbit,
and smacked into the ground with a resounding boom. The impact of this
smack and boom caused a huge cloud of dust to blanket the sky, blocking
out the rays of the sun and making things rather chilly for the
dinosaurs and snacks that lived here. The plants died, the plant eaters
died, and the meat eaters followed suit rather quickly. Things were
looking bad.
However, some of those snacks had fur coats and they
hid out in little caves and hollows and rode this badness out. They
kept warm, ate when they could, and had a lot of little furry snack sex.
Somehow there is always hope.
These little furry things evolved
and after spending a couple of years in the trees they lost their tails
and walked tall on the ground. Cave people had arrived.
Now...
I
don't know about you but I would have made a lousy caveman. Most of my
leisure time would have been spent crawling around nearsighted looking
for something to read. I doubt my tribe would have been into my sense of
humor either. Some burly cavedude would have crushed my head with a
rock just to shut my ass up. "Yeah. He was an asshole and now we don't
have to hear his fucking whiny voice! What's for lunch?"
I'm
not real hot with history but, if I remember right those guys and gals
didn't even have Dr. Pepper! Barbaric? Don't get me started! Have you
ever seen a TV Guide from back then? They weigh in at about seven
thousand pounds. You had to do the crossword puzzle with a hammer a
chisel. And if you made a mistake you were just fucked and that was all
there was to it, man.
But enough about me.
Somehow the
more aggressive caveman tribes grew up in Europe. These were serious
hunter/gatherers who just had to have more. And more. And still more
after that. They built ships and crossed oceans and got to work setting
up what is now known as The East Coast. Not content with that they
pulled this thing called "Manifest Destiny" out of a hat and moved west,
hacking their way through viscous plant life and a few million Indians.
Once they got to The Pacific Ocean they chugged Margaritas, beat the
living shit out of a bunch of Mexicans, and said, "Wow! If we had some
well built blonde women here we could make television and movies! Let's
do it!"
So they did.
This sort of wanderlust still pretty
much exists even to this day. Tons of people who really have no
business being here move to Los Angeles every day. They seek fame and
fortune in what is sometimes called "Show Business" (other times it's
referred to by it's more rightful name: "A Motherfucking Pain In The
Ass"). These people don't kill each other or anything (not too much
anyway) but they do play their stupid little schoolyard games with each
other and make life a big old bummer for those of us who were born here
and really just want to tell stories and get paid for it. Oops! My
bitterness is showing! Sorry about that!
So...
Some people
moved here from other places to try to carve a life for themselves and
set about finding meaning in the face of their assorted neurosis. We all
want love and good things right? And there's nothing wrong with that at
all. Hi! I'm my compassion! How are you doing today?
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
Friday, January 26, 2018
Criswell Predicted Me
I first saw a little movie called "Plan 9 From Outer Space" in high
school. This was around 1971 or so and in those days high school meant
exactly that, at least it did at my school. One night I smoked a nice
sized joint and saw the movie at about three in the morning. I had no
idea what it was (or who Edward D. Wood, the guy who wrote and directed
it was, for that matter) but, as a young and hungry science fiction and
horror fiend I thought I'd check it out based on the title alone. I
couldn't believe it. It was the sloppiest and downright lamest thing I
had ever seen. I almost literally laughed my ass off.
Nobody really had a VCR back then so if you wanted to see a movie a bunch of times you'd have to wait for a rerun. It would replay every six months or so and I'd see it every chance I got, often making friends and people at parties sit through it as well. There were no two ways about it, you either loved it or hated it. Most hated it. That was their loss as far as I was concerned. I was hooked and the most amazing thing was that it got better with each viewing. It didn't take very long for it to become one of my favorite movies.
These days it seems that almost everybody with a quirky taste in cinema loves it and it has reached the height of cultdom. Books, magazine articles, and a comic book all sing the praises of what has been called "The Worst Movie of All Time".
But is it really the worst? I don't think so. Have you ever seen "Tomcats"? "Mrs. Doubtfire"? How about "Gone With The Wind"? Those are some bad movies, pal. I mean, look, at least "Plan 9" has a message: "Stop playing around with weapons or we'll come back and whack your whole damn planet!" Pretty heavy stuff. Sure. I know. Robert Wise said the same thing in the film "The Day the Earth Stood Still" and he said it better too.
But here's the thing:
The reason the aliens come to earth in "Plan 9" is to stop us from discovering Solaronite, particles of sunlight so small they can't be measured. If we create a Solaronite bomb it will blow up the sun and then follow the sunlight, blowing up everything it touches thereby blowing up the whole universe. Now, here's no such thing as Solaronite but there are neutrinos, teeny tiny particles of sunlight. If a neutrino bomb were created and set off would the sunlight explode setting off a chain reaction that would destroy the universe?
I'm no scientist but it sure seems that way to me.
And what about Ed Wood? Did he "discover" neutrinos long before whoever is credited with the discovery only to pick a really stupid name for them and use them in what has been called "The Worst Movie of All Time"? As Criswell, the guy who narrates it says, "Can you prove it didn't happen?"
***
And speaking of Criswell...
Criswell made his living as a psychic at the time. He would do the talk shows and had one of his own here in Los Angeles where he'd make predictions about what he would call "Your Incredible Future!". My mother had a friend who knew him and, in the late fifties she went to a studio to see one of these shows being made. Before the show she was introduced to him and he asked if she had any questions. She was pregnant at the time and wondered what kind of child she was going to have. At least this is what I have been told and, seeing as to how my mother was the one who told it to me I see no reason to doubt it.
Criswell put his hand on my mom's belly and said, "I predict that you are going to have a baby."
"Yeah..." she laughed," I know that but, what kind of a baby?".
He said, "A boy."
"Really?" she asked.
"Sure." he replied, "Why not?" Then he went off to do his show.
On March 12, 1956 I was born. I was a baby and a boy, which goes to show something but I have a monstro sized hangover at the moment and I'm not really sure of what the hell it is...
Nobody really had a VCR back then so if you wanted to see a movie a bunch of times you'd have to wait for a rerun. It would replay every six months or so and I'd see it every chance I got, often making friends and people at parties sit through it as well. There were no two ways about it, you either loved it or hated it. Most hated it. That was their loss as far as I was concerned. I was hooked and the most amazing thing was that it got better with each viewing. It didn't take very long for it to become one of my favorite movies.
These days it seems that almost everybody with a quirky taste in cinema loves it and it has reached the height of cultdom. Books, magazine articles, and a comic book all sing the praises of what has been called "The Worst Movie of All Time".
But is it really the worst? I don't think so. Have you ever seen "Tomcats"? "Mrs. Doubtfire"? How about "Gone With The Wind"? Those are some bad movies, pal. I mean, look, at least "Plan 9" has a message: "Stop playing around with weapons or we'll come back and whack your whole damn planet!" Pretty heavy stuff. Sure. I know. Robert Wise said the same thing in the film "The Day the Earth Stood Still" and he said it better too.
But here's the thing:
The reason the aliens come to earth in "Plan 9" is to stop us from discovering Solaronite, particles of sunlight so small they can't be measured. If we create a Solaronite bomb it will blow up the sun and then follow the sunlight, blowing up everything it touches thereby blowing up the whole universe. Now, here's no such thing as Solaronite but there are neutrinos, teeny tiny particles of sunlight. If a neutrino bomb were created and set off would the sunlight explode setting off a chain reaction that would destroy the universe?
I'm no scientist but it sure seems that way to me.
And what about Ed Wood? Did he "discover" neutrinos long before whoever is credited with the discovery only to pick a really stupid name for them and use them in what has been called "The Worst Movie of All Time"? As Criswell, the guy who narrates it says, "Can you prove it didn't happen?"
***
And speaking of Criswell...
Criswell made his living as a psychic at the time. He would do the talk shows and had one of his own here in Los Angeles where he'd make predictions about what he would call "Your Incredible Future!". My mother had a friend who knew him and, in the late fifties she went to a studio to see one of these shows being made. Before the show she was introduced to him and he asked if she had any questions. She was pregnant at the time and wondered what kind of child she was going to have. At least this is what I have been told and, seeing as to how my mother was the one who told it to me I see no reason to doubt it.
Criswell put his hand on my mom's belly and said, "I predict that you are going to have a baby."
"Yeah..." she laughed," I know that but, what kind of a baby?".
He said, "A boy."
"Really?" she asked.
"Sure." he replied, "Why not?" Then he went off to do his show.
On March 12, 1956 I was born. I was a baby and a boy, which goes to show something but I have a monstro sized hangover at the moment and I'm not really sure of what the hell it is...
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
Road
Life…
It's like a road
Long
Never ending
Twists
And turns
Forks and underpasses
Other people's cars
Burnt and hollowed out
Over turned and blocking the way
You swerve to miss them
But have to look
Fascinated by the flames and burnt bodies
And as you strain to listen to their radios
And as you smell gasoline and burnt rubber
You sometimes miss your exit
And then you think
"What the fuck did I do to deserve this?"
But
Keep driving none the less
For someday
Someday soon
You'll be home
Safe and sound
Without a care in the world
Without a single problem
Without a single teardrop
And it will all come together
Again...
It's like a road
Long
Never ending
Twists
And turns
Forks and underpasses
Other people's cars
Burnt and hollowed out
Over turned and blocking the way
You swerve to miss them
But have to look
Fascinated by the flames and burnt bodies
And as you strain to listen to their radios
And as you smell gasoline and burnt rubber
You sometimes miss your exit
And then you think
"What the fuck did I do to deserve this?"
But
Keep driving none the less
For someday
Someday soon
You'll be home
Safe and sound
Without a care in the world
Without a single problem
Without a single teardrop
And it will all come together
Again...
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