Criswell Predicted Me

I first saw a little movie called "Plan 9 From Outer Space" in high school. This was around 1971 or so and in those days high school meant exactly that, at least it did at my school. One night I smoked a nice sized joint and saw the movie at about three in the morning. I had no idea what it was (or who Edward D. Wood, the guy who wrote and directed it was, for that matter) but, as a young and hungry science fiction and horror fiend I thought I'd check it out based on the title alone. I couldn't believe it. It was the sloppiest and downright lamest thing I had ever seen. I almost literally laughed my ass off.

Nobody really had a VCR back then so if you wanted to see a movie a bunch of times you'd have to wait for a rerun. It would replay every six months or so and I'd see it every chance I got, often making friends and people at parties sit through it as well. There were no two ways about it, you either loved it or hated it. Most hated it. That was their loss as far as I was concerned. I was hooked and the most amazing thing was that it got better with each viewing. It didn't take very long for it to become one of my favorite movies.

These days it seems that almost everybody with a quirky taste in cinema loves it and it has reached the height of cultdom. Books, magazine articles, and a comic book all sing the praises of what has been called "The Worst Movie of All Time".

But is it really the worst? I don't think so. Have you ever seen "Tomcats"? "Mrs. Doubtfire"? How about "Gone With The Wind"? Those are some bad movies, pal. I mean, look, at least "Plan 9" has a message: "Stop playing around with weapons or we'll come back and whack your whole damn planet!" Pretty heavy stuff. Sure. I know. Robert Wise said the same thing in the film "The Day the Earth Stood Still" and he said it better too.

But here's the thing:

The reason the aliens come to earth in "Plan 9" is to stop us from discovering Solaronite, particles of sunlight so small they can't be measured. If we create a Solaronite bomb it will blow up the sun and then follow the sunlight, blowing up everything it touches thereby blowing up the whole universe. Now, here's no such thing as Solaronite but there are neutrinos, teeny tiny particles of sunlight. If a neutrino bomb were created and set off would the sunlight explode setting off a chain reaction that would destroy the universe?

I'm no scientist but it sure seems that way to me.

And what about Ed Wood? Did he "discover" neutrinos long before whoever is credited with the discovery only to pick a really stupid name for them and use them in what has been called "The Worst Movie of All Time"? As Criswell, the guy who narrates it says, "Can you prove it didn't happen?"

***

And speaking of Criswell...

Criswell made his living as a psychic at the time. He would do the talk shows and had one of his own here in Los Angeles where he'd make predictions about what he would call "Your Incredible Future!". My mother had a friend who knew him and, in the late fifties she went to a studio to see one of these shows being made. Before the show she was introduced to him and he asked if she had any questions. She was pregnant at the time and wondered what kind of child she was going to have. At least this is what I have been told and, seeing as to how my mother was the one who told it to me I see no reason to doubt it.

Criswell put his hand on my mom's belly and said, "I predict that you are going to have a baby."

"Yeah..." she laughed," I know that but, what kind of a baby?".

He said, "A boy."

"Really?" she asked.

"Sure." he replied, "Why not?" Then he went off to do his show.

On March 12, 1956 I was born. I was a baby and a boy, which goes to show something but I have a monstro sized hangover at the moment and I'm not really sure of what the hell it is...