Lame Ass Backstory

About a bazillion years ago the Earth cooled. This was a good thing. If it hadn't we'd all be jumping up and down a lot and screaming about our feet more often than we do now. The air would also hurt our lungs and there wouldn't be any water. Can you imagine living in a world like that? I just barely can and I have a rather colorful history of drug usage.

There were these pools of water laying around back then and, through some electrochemical process that I don't have a lot of knowledge about these tiny fishy things came to life. Chemistry tends to vex me on a daily basis. If you take some motor oil and lemonade and toss in some cotton balls you get Twinkies? How does that work? I mean, there can only be a finite number of chemicals, right? How the hell do those research guys come up with new ones? I had a chemistry set once and if I mixed up a bunch of stuff all I ever ended up with was a tube of blackish slop. I just don't understand it in the slightest. This may tend to explain why I write. I may be trying to understand things. Ah, well...whatever.

Some weeks later dinosaurs stalked both the surface of the Earth and each other. These were dangerous times for the more fragile life forms who were mainly walking snacks and sandwiches for these dinosaurs. The whole world was a giant Burger King and you didn't have to deal with money.

One day a chunk of what was basically iridium zipped through space, got caught in the Earth's orbit, and smacked into the ground with a resounding boom. The impact of this smack and boom caused a huge cloud of dust to blanket the sky, blocking out the rays of the sun and making things rather chilly for the dinosaurs and snacks that lived here. The plants died, the plant eaters died, and the meat eaters followed suit rather quickly. Things were looking bad.

However, some of those snacks had fur coats and they hid out in little caves and hollows and rode this badness out. They kept warm, ate when they could, and had a lot of little furry snack sex. Somehow there is always hope.

These little furry things evolved and after spending a couple of years in the trees they lost their tails and walked tall on the ground. Cave people had arrived.

Now...

I don't know about you but I would have made a lousy caveman. Most of my leisure time would have been spent crawling around nearsighted looking for something to read. I doubt my tribe would have been into my sense of humor either. Some burly cavedude would have crushed my head with a rock just to shut my ass up. "Yeah. He was an asshole and now we don't have to hear his fucking whiny voice! What's for lunch?"

I'm not real hot with history but, if I remember right those guys and gals didn't even have Dr. Pepper! Barbaric? Don't get me started! Have you ever seen a TV Guide from back then? They weigh in at about seven thousand pounds. You had to do the crossword puzzle with a hammer a chisel. And if you made a mistake you were just fucked and that was all there was to it, man.

But enough about me.

Somehow the more aggressive caveman tribes grew up in Europe. These were serious hunter/gatherers who just had to have more. And more. And still more after that. They built ships and crossed oceans and got to work setting up what is now known as The East Coast. Not content with that they pulled this thing called "Manifest Destiny" out of a hat and moved west, hacking their way through viscous plant life and a few million Indians. Once they got to The Pacific Ocean they chugged Margaritas, beat the living shit out of a bunch of Mexicans, and said, "Wow! If we had some well built blonde women here we could make television and movies! Let's do it!"

So they did.

This sort of wanderlust still pretty much exists even to this day. Tons of people who really have no business being here move to Los Angeles every day. They seek fame and fortune in what is sometimes called "Show Business" (other times it's referred to by it's more rightful name: "A Motherfucking Pain In The Ass"). These people don't kill each other or anything (not too much anyway) but they do play their stupid little schoolyard games with each other and make life a big old bummer for those of us who were born here and really just want to tell stories and get paid for it. Oops! My bitterness is showing! Sorry about that!

So...

Some people moved here from other places to try to carve a life for themselves and set about finding meaning in the face of their assorted neurosis. We all want love and good things right? And there's nothing wrong with that at all. Hi! I'm my compassion! How are you doing today?