i have no idea what a coldplay camera is and have no desire to find out.

been thinkin'

you used to need a computer to be online and you had to know how to read and write. not anymore. all you need now is a phone that costs a million dollars and disposable net slang, gifs, and memes. it also used to be very funny online. and mysterious. and a little scary. we would meet in chatrooms and share ideas and information. now we share what is mainly stick figure drawings of people eating boogers on the playground. we call people names and write LOL after our own 'jokes'. i think there should be a phone level net. a net just for children and people who say things like 'y'all' and 'die on that hill' just because EVERYBODY does NOW and will say something else once those things aren't 'epic' anymore. i miss true communication.

Be There Then

a guy sees the buddha walking on the road.

the guy says, 'hi!'

the buddha says, 's'up?'

the guy says, 'well, i haven't eaten in a couple of days. do you have a sandwich or something?'

the buddha says, 'is your hair on fire?'

the guy says, 'no.'

the buddha says, 'then shut the fuck up.', and keeps on walking

timewuz...

there was a time where people would write songs and paint and stuff. now they whip out their phone, change their icon, and forward a meme or a gif. it's pretty sad really. and soulless too.

zounds!

when i was a kid i never dreamed that i would have my own computer, that would be connected to the entire world, and that with a thing called twitter i could wish mamie van doren a happy birthday. just too cool.

of course i never thought i'd have to deal with morons who would say things like 'awesomesauce', 'for the win', and 'y'all' either...

btw

 i'm getting my booster shot on the 22nd

why?

because

a lot of people are fucking stupid

and

i refuse to kill

or

be killed

merry fucking christmas!

hi!

if you stop saying "y"all" when it's not super groovy anymore you're an an asshole now. strange, ain't it?

up on the housetop

 why isn't the plural of 'roof' 'rooves'?

*giggles*

 people who bitch about the beatles are so cute!

SHEESH!

i tend to give up first in an argument.

it's really funny when stupid people think they have proven me wrong by screaming at me like an eight year old bully on a playground. like they have 'shown me a thing or two' and now my mind has been changed. they have no idea that all they have really shown me is that they are anal and insane. i'm talking to you, asshole on line who 'threatened' to block me on twitter. smoke my white owl, cha cha!

technology

the air sucks, the water sucks, most people with phones suck, but i never have to change the time on my cable box or computer.

ya know...

i think being funny is a lot like playing a piano.

most people just aren't very good at it.

GEEZUZ!

ever tried to make a twitch password? well, if k1ssm1d1ck isn't good enough for them i'm not cool enough and they can go get totally fucking fucked.

well...

i grew up in a stupid world
with stupid people
they weren't dumb
they were stupid
they never asked questions
they had no vision
they did things just because they did things

i'd ask why they couldn't take the butter out when they first got up
that way it would spread easier when the toast was ready

i asked why things that we used every day were kept under things that were used once or twice a month

why we couldn't try it with cheese just this time

why do you vote for people that you ended up calling jerks six months later

why i couldn't finish the page i was reading first
it's not like the garbage men would leave the trash on the curb the next morning because of my book

i got sent to my room a lot

a lot

now i still ask questions
sometimes i scream them
and stupid people look at me like i should have stayed in my room

i actually know a couple of people who think that i'd be happy if i just told myself i already was
as if delusion trumped truth

lots of people think that way because it works for them
so they think it will work for everybody else
i guess it could work
maybe
if i'd stop asking so many goddamn questions

TV show

idea for a tv show:

the surreal housewives of transylvania

Lu

why would god cast lucifer out? i mean, being a loving and understanding god wouldn't he be really cool about the whole thing?

'yeah. that's a nice desk, ain't it kid? look, i'm going to lunch. there's some mars bars in the top left hand drawer. feel free to help yourself. just don't make any toll calls or anything, okay?'

Durward

i haven't heard someone call somebody a 'durward kirby lookin' motherfucker' in a real long time.

Memes

next time on 'i'm not very funny so here's a meme i stole from someone and didn't give them credit because people didn't pay enough attention to me when i was younger and now i need the endorphins on a daily basis so i can feel like i have worth':

'something from way before you were born that you shouldn't give a shit about that is honestly none of your business anyway '

don't miss it!

Party

when all this is over i can't imagine someone going to a party, stating that they work for the electoral college, and not being savagely beaten with a floor lamp and chucked through a plate glass window. it's the romantic in me.

Cops

you know, if a lot less people had lied to cops in the past there wouldn't be as many problems. just my opinion here...